i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize