We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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