She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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