Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You smell like stripper and shame
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
