I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Randomize
