you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
