i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
