the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
