Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
not ubering you a puppy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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