but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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