I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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