got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
