I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
