Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize