I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
