Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
