I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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