booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
