im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize