Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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