so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I love you. Go after that dick
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
