I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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