So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm too high and old for this...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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