I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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