you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
