onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
