it was like fucking gandolphs beard
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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