dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
