I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
