The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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