is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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