I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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