theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
