The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
