The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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