Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
