im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
