The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
