Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
