WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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