she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize