Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
