Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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