I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize