oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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