I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
