My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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