as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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