i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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