We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
