I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
