The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
