what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am midnight drunk by noon
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
