Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
