after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
