You're completely useless in the revolution.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
