A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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