I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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