i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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